It has been a busy time. All I have are snippets … fragments … I'm really feeling like a failed blogger at the moment!

I'm 24 lbs down now. Later today, I will pick up the first round of clothing from the tailor that I left a week ago for adjustment. I've been cheating too much, therefore the weight numbers are not coming down as fast. However, the inches (I get measured in 15 places once a week) are coming off at a brisk pace. The total inch loss is something like 23 inches. I think this means that my physical activity is maintaining muscle mass. Muscle weighs more but takes up less space. In any case, people seem to be noticing more now. I'm wearing one of my favourite casual t-shirts this a.m. and I've noticed that I don't quite fill out the shoulders like I used to. I've discovered orange creamsicle and vanillia ice cream flavoured whey protein powder and am now all about fruit smoothies for breakfast. Mmmmmm ….

My talented friend J installed some new storage / pantry type units this week and I'm busy getting my place feeling more organized. Even so, I don't understand how my living space always has one corner, one table top, one "pile" of stuff that just won't go away. Like that last bit of dust that you can never get into the dust pan when you are sweeping … only bigger.

I haven't ridden my bike as much in the past few weeks, This is partially due to the fact that I had my dog for almost a month and bike riding time was replaced with dog walking time. Not a bad swap. Less bike riding is also an unintended result of my recent break-up as this was an activity we enjoyed doing together. After a very full day in front of the computer, I decided that stretching my legs by going for a spin was a good idea. I needed some stuff at Canadian Tire, so I headed over to the Yonge/Davenport location. It was almost dusk when I emerged from the store and I spent almost as much time putting the front and back lights on my bike outside the store as I did shopping inside the store. (I put the headlight on backwards in my first attempt and had to perform a do-over.) Once I had that situation under control, my next destination was the dog park, sans dog. Just to make my trip more scenic, I decided that I'd go north on Yonge and hang a right at the Rosedale subway station and see if I could pick my way through to the dog park, which is on the other side of that neighbourhood, east of Sherbourne, clinging to the top of the Don Valley, not quite at CastleFrank.

Many things can be said about the Rosedale neighbourhood. "Easily navigable" is not one of them. There are people who attempt this sort of thing by car and emerge months later, heavily in debt for having purchased a multi-million dollar home in lieu of actually finding their way back out again.  I had not bothered to consult a map prior to this trip. It could have been pretty nasty.

One of my friends accuses me of having a built in GPS in my brain. Actually, when we were growing up, the term GPS wasn't yet coined and she just thought I was scary in my ability to sort of sniff my way from point A to point B. She needs a map, line-by-line written directions and, preferably, a trail of bread crumbs. I'm not sure why I don't – I know I have a rough sense of where a place is, and I figure that if I keep heading in that direction, I'll get there. Sometimes the journey is more interesting than the destination. I made it, in a surprisingly direct manner, to the dog park just as the light was really starting to fade. None of my dog owner buddies were there, unfortunately … maybe next time, now that I know how to get there from the Canadian Tire on Yonge. Maybe all roads lead from Canadian Tire … 

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I offered a truncated version of the following to a friend yesterday – it just sort of blurted out of my mouth without any editing, as most truths would if they were allowed.

My long-time ex, the woman I was with for nine years (house, dog, garden, joint account, mortgage …) "over-lives" her life in an attempt to not actually examine it. Her internal engine is constantly on high rev, like a screaming four-cylinder car trying to pass a truck on the highway. No time to internalize, no time to reflect. Action as avoidance. When I am feeling snide, I call her a human doing, rather than a human being.

The woman I just broke up with (eight months, three of which were fun and five were, er, rocky) examines everything. EV-E-RY-THING. Analyze, consider, postulate, masticate … chew every single idea and emotion until it no longer bears any resemblance to the original item. Also a form of avoidance – avoiding actually living her life, actually feeling her feelings, owning her thoughts, taking responsibility for her words and actions.

Would the universe kindly send me someone who has this all in balance, please? A little bit of high rev, when needed … a dose of reflectiveness … a sense of humour and perspective about it all.

I don't think I'm asking a lot. 🙂

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So, Tanya and I broke up this morning. Basically, my decision – a decision in favour of my own self-esteem which was in danger of taking a terrible, and unnecessary, beating. C'mere c'mere, go away go away … not a healthy place for me.

Still, an ending always feels difficult and painful. I know it is the right thing to do, but I will miss the "c'mere" parts. I need someone who can sustain "c'mere … and stay here!"

I'm headed over to Barb's for movies and popcorn and kleenex.

Pfft.

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Despite outward appearances, I am – apparently – not a nerd.

Thanks to Kaivalya for this little distraction … 🙂

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Here is something from the "My Turn" section in Newsweek … the article is written by 88 yr old Lorraine Barr about her experience living as a lesbian throughout the majority of the 20th Century.

At the end, she says:

It took me several days to put this essay in the mailbox. I owe a lot of credit to people who are comfortable enough in their own skins to say, "This is who I am."

Shall I be haunted for trying to tell my story now, when many might still not wish to address it, or shall I, perhaps, be congratulated?

Congratulated and celebrated, Lorraine. We who are – now – comfortable would not exist without you who lived without this gift. Welcome to your brave new world!

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