Dear Purveyors of Paste:

I have been shopping for the very household item that you offer and would like to draw something to your attention.  It is this: you are making it very very difficult for me to buy your product. And yet, I must have it. Society demands it – my standards of personal hygiene demand it.

Here is my dilemma … years ago, the choice was between brands. You've got your Colgate, you got your Crest. There was once something called "UltraBrite" and a few other brand contenders – I remember Aqua-something with stripes – but basically, these were the choices. They were all pastes – actual pastes.

Then came "tartar control". My dentist told me this was a good thing, and I believed him. But that was the last upgrade that had any meaning for me.

"Gels" are not "pastes" – don't like 'em. They are slimy. Euw.

I'm told by "People Who Know" that "whitening" is really just modified bleach. I'm not putting bleach in my mouth. It weakens the enamel. I need my enamel, thanks. Besides, people with totally white teeth frighten me.

I don't need anything that is anti-bacterial. The bacteria are supposed to be there – they have a job to do, too. I'm counting on my immune system to take care of anything that isn't supposed to be there.

My theory is that if I brush my teeth with something simple – i.e. tartar control PASTE – a few times a day … well, call me crazy … but I think my breath will be passable. I don't think I need "breath control" in my toothpaste.

My teeth are not sensitive. They have been to therapy, gotten in touch with their feelings, and have toughened up.

So … what I need is tartar control paste … how hard can this be?

Why is it that when I go to even my local Food Basics store – literally, as the name suggests, a basic grocery store, nothing fancy, no frills – I find myself staring at 24 different versions of tooth cleaning product (pastes, gels and gawd-knows what else)?   In the past week, I have been to three stores looking for tartar control paste … NONE of the stores carry it. I can get "Total", "whitening gel", and "sparkle-enhanced paste".  I can kill all the germs in my mouth and take advantage of "breath-scrubbers". Apparently, I can't just clean my teeth, dump some tartar, and get on with my day.

This situation is really out of control. There must be some marketing bandwagon that poor old tartar-control can leap on … and I sense you have just the skills sets handy to get working on this problem so I can buy my paste in peace.

I await further developments with reasonably fresh, bated, breath.

Yours sincerely,

Venus

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