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Let’s Keep It Simple, Shall We?

Dear Purveyors of Paste:

I have been shopping for the very household item that you offer and would like to draw something to your attention.  It is this: you are making it very very difficult for me to buy your product. And yet, I must have it. Society demands it – my standards of personal hygiene demand it.

Here is my dilemma … years ago, the choice was between brands. You've got your Colgate, you got your Crest. There was once something called "UltraBrite" and a few other brand contenders – I remember Aqua-something with stripes – but basically, these were the choices. They were all pastes – actual pastes.

Then came "tartar control". My dentist told me this was a good thing, and I believed him. But that was the last upgrade that had any meaning for me.

"Gels" are not "pastes" – don't like 'em. They are slimy. Euw.

I'm told by "People Who Know" that "whitening" is really just modified bleach. I'm not putting bleach in my mouth. It weakens the enamel. I need my enamel, thanks. Besides, people with totally white teeth frighten me.

I don't need anything that is anti-bacterial. The bacteria are supposed to be there – they have a job to do, too. I'm counting on my immune system to take care of anything that isn't supposed to be there.

My theory is that if I brush my teeth with something simple – i.e. tartar control PASTE – a few times a day … well, call me crazy … but I think my breath will be passable. I don't think I need "breath control" in my toothpaste.

My teeth are not sensitive. They have been to therapy, gotten in touch with their feelings, and have toughened up.

So … what I need is tartar control paste … how hard can this be?

Why is it that when I go to even my local Food Basics store – literally, as the name suggests, a basic grocery store, nothing fancy, no frills – I find myself staring at 24 different versions of tooth cleaning product (pastes, gels and gawd-knows what else)?   In the past week, I have been to three stores looking for tartar control paste … NONE of the stores carry it. I can get "Total", "whitening gel", and "sparkle-enhanced paste".  I can kill all the germs in my mouth and take advantage of "breath-scrubbers". Apparently, I can't just clean my teeth, dump some tartar, and get on with my day.

This situation is really out of control. There must be some marketing bandwagon that poor old tartar-control can leap on … and I sense you have just the skills sets handy to get working on this problem so I can buy my paste in peace.

I await further developments with reasonably fresh, bated, breath.

Yours sincerely,


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One comment to “Let’s Keep It Simple, Shall We?”

  1. I can relate to your troubles! What makes it worse here is that I'm an expat from the UK and all the toothpaste packaging here is in French or German! It's horrible.

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