There is a bizarre sort of deja vu that comes from teaching the same material to different groups three times a week. The first time it is fresh, although perhaps not “new”. If not enough time passes between the first class and the second class, serious deja vu sets in. For me this term, the second class happens hot on the heels of the first one, a mere one hour later. It is going to be hard to keep the energy up for this class. I repeatedly had the feeling of “Didn’t I just say this?” The weird thing was that they actually laughed in the right places, even though I had the feeling that I “just did this”. A bit disorienting. The third class happens 24 hours later, thank goodness, and I have had time to shake off the first two. Still, I could feel myself getting a bit punchy. I am grateful that my Friday late afternoon (and I do mean late afternoon) class was equally as giddy last week and that made for an unexpectedly fun and energized class.
I should just say, as an aside, that I’m glad that acting/theatre thing didn’t work out. I can’t imagine keeping 6-8 performances a week “fresh”!
New faculty training, lo these almost 10 years past, included a session on classroom management issues. One of the suggestions I kept from that session is the discussion of my expectations of student behaviour in the course and I have adopted this as part of the first class for every course I teach. The “expectations” page is about one and a half pages long and I go through it, section by section, trying to keep it light but letting them know I’m serious … all at the same time. We discuss the reasons for some of these expectations, why they are important. One of the sections is labelled “No Personal Attacks”. At this point in the class, I usually draw two little stick figures on the board and show the happy stick figures sharing their ideas in a realm quite separate from their physical beings. Keeping the discussion in the realm if ideas, and not in the realm of “the person” is an important, nay, critical, distinction to make. People can disagree with each other’s ideas without, in fact, needing to disagree with each other’s value as human beings. However, people fear that sharing ideas will result in others making judgements based on those ideas – and this is not a groundless fear to have. We do tend to do this, and part of the shift I like to see communications students make is to develop the discipline NOT to rush to judgement quite so quickly. This shift takes time, of course. I like to introduce the concept as a basic rule of operation in my classroom environment and, later, as a concept supporting team work.
So, by the end of the week, I had drawn my little stick figures multiple times, and tried to find different ways of saying “play nice … be kind … critique ideas, not people … healthy disagreement is force for creative good … what are some phrases we can use in this situation? … ” and, on my way home on Friday, with all this echoing in my head, I had a revelation of my own.
I ended 2009 feeling exhausted and pretty low and, although the end of 09 had its challenges, I’ve had rough patches before and not felt so defeated. I couldn’t quite put my finger on what else was wrong. Then, I realized that I had a lot of “big plans” for 2009, some as New Year’s resolutions and some as just personal goals … and I didn’t make much progress on any of them. I was experiencing the nagging feeling of having failed myself, of having lost focus. And I was beating myself up pretty good about that.
It seems to me that I forgot a couple of things.
Thing #1 – Failure is good.
Years ago, I took one of those self-improvement courses and one day the instructor said this:
If you haven’t failed recently, you are not doing enough.
At the time, once I thought it through, it made a great deal of sense to me. Of course! Statistically, if we are doing lots of things, we are going to fail at some of them. We are going to screw up, say the wrong thing, start the wrong project, piss the wrong person off. People who don’t take enough risks don’t experience a lot of success. Sometimes, “failure” is the price of success. We also learn more from our failures than we do from our successes.
Thing #2 – Stick Figures Rock
I forgot to be one of my stick figures for a moment, and I let the sense of failure get too close to me, personally, and not remain in the realm of the external. My “failures”, if they were that, existed outside of me. They are not “me”.
Thing #3 – Expectation Management
Setting expectations, or personal goals, or New Year’s Resolutions – I generally think these are good things to do. Somehow, though, I let an unconscious adherence to these specific and particular outcomes obliterate the beauty and the busy-ness and the fun of 2009. In 2009, I learned so much and laughed so well with such amazing people in my life. I learned to be more “in the moment”. I needed some help and I got it. I felt loved. How can a person wander around feeling gloomy about THAT? (Seriously, girl, get a grip … ) Long-time readers may recall my image at the beginning of 2006 in which I wanted a “burger with everything on it, extra pickle, with the juices running down my arms as I devour it” kind of year. I’d say 2009, most of it, came pretty darn close.
I still want to achieve some of those things on my 2009 list and, oddly, I feel more ready and focused to get there now. Maybe I wasn’t ready a year ago.
So, a new week begins and there are more stick figures to be drawn. I wonder what they will tell me this week?
One of the odd little perks of being a habitual blogger is that you have a record of time passing, reminders of how things were, how they felt. Perhaps some wouldn’t see this as a perk – I do. Sometimes, I go way back. I like to see trends, shifts. Threads of commonality. I counted my blessings at the end of 2005 and 2006.
At the beginning of 2006, I talked about having an “everything, extra pickle” kind of year. See, the thing is, I’ve never really let go of this image as something I want to hang onto in my life.
Everything, Extra Pickle
It was New Year’s Eve and I hadn’t yet developed the head cold. I was planning a party for the evening and, as you do, I thought, “I need a new drill before the party.” Thus, I found myself at Homo Depot around lunch time on New Year’s Eve. If memory serves, I had skipped breakfast that day thinking vaguely that I’d be stuffing myself will all manner of food and drink later in the day. Of course, by lunch I was starving. I found the “drilla” my dreams – not a wimpy cordless piece of crap this time – and wandered over to the Harvey’s lunch counter. When asked what I wanted on my burger, I responded as I always do … “Everything, extra pickle”. In some ways, I’m so predictable.
I sat down at one of those little plastic table/chair things and unwrapped my prize burger, piled high with goodies. Somewhere around the second bite of a Harvey’s burger with “everything, extra pickle”, the juices from all the condiments and the extra pickle can’t help but start running down one’s palm, trickling down the wrist and eventually the forearm unless you are quick with the napkin. Eating an “everything, extra pickle” burger can be a full body experience, if you let it, involving all the senses. If you let it.
I decided then and there that I wanted this to be my theme for 2006 – I want an “everything, extra pickle” kind of year. When this year is over, I want to have to take a shower from being covered with all the run-off from the tasty, indulgent, spontaneous treats I discover. Especially the tangy pickles that cross my path.
There is something in this image, for me, about having a sense of sensual abundance even in the simple everyday moments. And about being in the moment, and “getting the joy of it”, in the moment.
At the beginning of 2008, I didn’t do a “counting blessings” post. The end of 2007/beginning of 2008 was difficult, save for the scrumptious trip to Mexico at Christmas 2007. That was a welcome break. At the beginning of 2008, I was gearing up to quit my one and only contract, an extremely lucrative one, with no specific prospects in sight that appealed to me. It was a mental health decision, weighing my self-esteem and healthy self image against very satisfying financial gain. There are some things I can’t stomach and having an abusive supervisor who is threatened by me for some reason is one of them. It was a very very tenuous entry into 2008. Instead of a “counting blessings” post, I did a reflective retrospective via Kaivalya’s format.
2008 has felt momentous in so many ways. The only way in which I am not in a better place now than I was a year ago is financial, and I’m committed to changing that in 2009, damn the economic torpedos! Which brings me to my resolutions for 2009.
Resolutions for 2009
November, 2008
To continue with my body alteration project and reach my target weight loss of 90 lbs. To date, just prior to the holiday food fest, I had lost 69.5 lbs. This project started on June 29, 2007. Over this past summer, I added strength training and regular cardio to my hockey-playing routines. Thus, my body has significantly re-shaped itself and the weight loss probably looks more dramatic than it actually is. Although 69.5 lbs isn’t anything to sneeze at. I’m happy with that, and very happy with my changed diet and activity routines that make it possible. I do want the full 90 lbs, though. I’ll get there in 2009. (Thanks, Miriam, for the great crop on this pic!)
To end 2009 in a better financial position than it begins. To be specific, I will have created avenues for “passive” income via my various online ventures. More on this later. I have more resources at hand than your average person to make this happen. I write, I observe, I teach. People seem to like to read what I write. I can parlay these elements to my financial advantage while also feeling fulfilled creatively, by having an outlet for expression, while also “doing good by doing well”. This is my ultimate personal integration project, I think. Stay tuned. 🙂
This seems a good point for a Melissa Ferrick quote, dontcha think? MF has this great song, Everything I Need Is Right Here In My Hands. I remember hearing this while at the depths of a deep depression following my “divorce”. This would be early 2002. She reminded me of one of the most important lessons my mother taught me – that the only person I can count on is me, and that I possess all the tools I need to succeed. I need for nothing. It lifted me then, while in the depths. Now, when absolutely everything in my life looks rosy, except for that niggly long-term financial outlook, it reminds me again that I am so very blessed with everything I need to look after myself and be happy. I need only to trust myself, my instincts and my abilities.
Well I got money in the bank
And I got a car to drive
And I got a working set of hands
That my guitar seems to like
Cause I got a love that won’t quit
And I got time to rest
And I got a clear and able mind that sees my life
Going fine
Yay
Cause everything I need
Is right here in my hands
Right here in my hands
Right here in my hands
Everything I need
Is right here in my hands
Right here in my hands
Right here in my hands
Everything I need
And I got a floor to dance on
And I got a phone to laugh in
And I got a tub to cry in
And I got a bed to hide in
Oh but sometimes I only see what’s wrong
Sometimes I’m convinced my god has up and gone
I’ll never write a hit song
My love is going to leave me
Hanging
Hey
But everything I need
Is right here in my hands
Right here in my hands
Right here in my hands
OK – enough with the musical interlude … back to the resolution programming …
To continue to grow my hair longer. My hair is longer now than it has EVER been! It is wild woman hair! It falls in my face when I least expect it to and, lately, against the back of my neck, especially when I’m at the gym. This has never happened before. I’ve never felt my hair against the back of my neck. I have no idea how this is going to turn out and I guess that is the point. Referring to the “trust” element in the note above, I just need to trust that my new-found comfort level with longer hair is going to take me in the right direction. (And, it’s kinda fun, this longer hair … 🙂 )
To read more. Seems almost every year I resolve to read more and I just don’t seem to make it happen. I miss it and it has been missing from my life since tackling the MBA (too much reading!), coinciding with the invasion of the Internet into my life. The natural “reading” time for me, bedtime, means that I can read about a page and a half before keeling over. As I start to snooze and drift, I find myself reading the same paragraph over and over and getting not one ounce of meaning from it. Frustrating. My days are too busy and to filled with other “noise” and information for me to “make time” for this. And there are SO MANY books on my shelf that require my attention. Dammit … I must make this happen!
To take what I’ve learned these past few years and continue to be strong with regard to who I let into my life, and who I do not. I’ve been too trusting in the past and kept “friends” close to me who really were not friends. It is sometimes a really really hard call. I’m getting better at it. I need to keep getting better at it.
To live a simpler existence. I “own” too much. I have too many “things”. I throw things away too easily, opting to replace rather than repair. By the end of this year, I want my living space and storage locker to have the “stuff” in them reduced by at least 50%, and to have given away or donated all of it. Before I toss anything that is broken, I will consider having it repaired. I’m so tired of my “stuff”.
Reflective Meme:
1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
In January, I walked away from the most lucrative “job” I’ve ever had. I was asked to return in various forms (short-term retainer, facilitating meetings, one-off projects….) making the ending of that relationship quite jagged. But, in the end, it ended. And I’m better for it. I still remember the level of gut-wrenching anxiety I had about this, exactly one year ago today. I realize I’m almost taking this day “off” as an anniversary of sorts to write and reflect on just how strong and brave this decision was. I have turned down opportunities before. This was the clearest, strongest choice I’ve ever made in favour of “me” vs. “money”.
I also went on a cycling trip around Manitoulin Island that was pretty darn cool.
I bought and wore a dress for the first time in 25 years. OK, that isn’t “never”, but pretty darn close! I actually wore it twice. By choice. On purpose. Whoa.
2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions?
According to this post, my resolutions for 2008 were as follows:
– continue to work towards my optimal weight target and, as I get there, work on conditioning the healthy body I’ve been blessed with.
– work on self-confidence. Seriously. Present circumstances have dealt me a serious blow in this area and I need to work on getting my mojo back, so to speak.
– more music in my life … more reading … move towards a simpler existence
I did well with the first two and part of the third. The optimal weight target is so much closer, and I’m in much better condition than I’ve been since I was 18. I’m feeling stronger and more confident, for sure. I’ve had more music this year than in previous years – check. My previous note about reading speaks for itself. A simpler existence? Hm. I’ve had moments of this but, wow, it sure feels like a stronger impulse now – hence the related resolution.
3. Did someone close to you give birth?
No.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No. (Knock on wood.)
5. What countries did you visit?
Barbados.
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Last year, I answered this with these words: A sense of personal stability, confidence. Happily, I managed this. In 2009, I need to top it off with a better financial picture.
7. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Bringing my total weight loss to 69.5 lbs.
8. What was your biggest failure?
Losing interest /momentum in self-employment. I think I’m just not cut out to do it full-time. Also, my pastry-making skills suck.
9. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Thankfully, no.
10. What was the best thing you bought?
My new watch. Both of them. Also, there are some new clothes that are pretty cool to wear.
11. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Gosh – where do I start? So many people I admire in my life. The following people deserve the Venus Award of Merit for Bravery in 2008:
Danica
Cheryl
Ewa
Miriam
(Remember … fortune favours the brave!)
The Venus Award of Merit for Complexity Grounded in Humanity goes to Cate.
The Venus Award of Merit for Most Adorable New Couple goes to Rhonda and Mary-Ann.
The Venus Award of Merit for Keeping One’s Sanity, Intelligence and Compassion Against All Odds goes to Angela.
The Venus Award of Merit for Perseverance In The Face of Crap goes to Hillary Clinton.
The Venus Award of Merit for Surprising the Hell out of Me (in a good way) goes to my brother David.
12. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
There are a few in my personal life. Names aren’t important. No Awards for YOU!
John McCain, Sarah Palin and the entire Republican caucus get a giant raspberry. Those who supported Proposition 8 in California have forgotten the meaning of the word “freedom” and “equality” – I feel both pity and anger when I think of them.
13. Where did most of your money go?
Mortgage.
14. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Barbados.
Pride. Before, during and after. 🙂
Working @ MaRS.
Manitoulin Island.
Planning my next business morphing.
Christmas.
New Year’s. 🙂
15. What song will always remind you of 2008?
This one is easy – Viva La Vida!!! Although I tend to say it, “Viva La Vida, baby!”
16. Compared to this time last year, are you: i. happier or sadder? Happier. (phew) ii. thinner or fatter? Thinner! 🙂
iii. richer or poorer? Financially poorer, but this is a temporary situation. Emotionally, socially, spiritually? So much richer.
17. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Reading.
18. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Worrying.
19. How did you spend Christmas?
I did a lot of baking and had some lovely social times leading up to Christmas, including a wonderful Christmas Eve dinner. My family arrived for Christmas Dinner on the day itself – eight of us here and I cooked the whole thing. I hosted a lively little party here on Boxing Day. Loved the whole thing!
20. Any one-night stands?
Not exactly. Actually, no – I’m going to say no to this. Except … well … This is harder to answer than it looks at first glance!
21. What was your favorite TV program?
Don’t really watch TV. Still love watching West Wing on DVD. I’m a creature of habit.
22. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Hate is an ugly word and I don’t have room for it in my life. Are there people who have plummeted in terms of my opinion of them? Yes. Does this make me sad? Yes. Am I in mourning for them as part of my life? No. This is the part that has shifted for me. They can return anytime they decide to accept me as I am rather than trying to force me to be someone I’m not.
23. What was the best book you read?
Sad to say, I didn’t finish, to the end, a single book. I started many. The one I enjoyed the most and am still trying to find time to finish is called Hold Me Tight and is about the complex emotional territory of relationships, specifically, life partnerships. What I like about this book is that it asks us to set aside our obsession with the concept of emotional co-dependence. Personally, I think any human behaviour, taken to extremes, can be regarded as a pathology. I also think we have gotten carried away with pathologizing our own complex human behaviours. When we start getting suspicious of people “needing” other people, especially within a life partnership, then something has gone haywire. By the time one has reached a place of partnership with another person, it should – I think – feel like you’ve reached a comfortable interdependence. A mutual “needing” at some emotional place. This isn’t pathology – this is life. And, one hopes, love. I like the way this book approaches this topic, asking couples to draw closer together and find comfort and safety in the “needing” rather than ask them to stand apart in individual analysis and to question their own humanity and vulnerability.
24. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I re-discovered ColdPlay when their new CD came out. Also discovered the Puppini Sisters and have been recently turned on to Queen Latifah.
In preparation for my birthday party, I had such fun downloading artists from my past from iTunes and assembling their tunes into playlists. The Pretenders. Talking Heads. David Bowie. Huey Lewis and the News. I’m just LOVING having this stuff on my iPod.
25. What did you want and get?
New watch. Twice. But I’m not bitter.
26. What did you want and not get?
See previous whining about financial stability.
I wish there was a category for “smartest decision of the year” in which case I would answer “going back to teach at the college”. Given the current economic times, I can’t imagine trying to drum up work to keep myself going, especially since I dislike that part so much. Teaching pays less than consulting, thus my current angst. This too shall pass.
28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Turned 45. Had an awesome party, as one should when one turns 45, I think.
29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I honestly can’t think of a single thing. (except for the resolution of that niggling money thing … I sense I’m not alone with this particular issue)
30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Triceps.
31. What kept you sane?
Remembering, sometimes quite specifically and dramatically, everything my mother taught me. Except, I should have been paying much closer attention during Pastry-Making 101.
32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Emma Thompson. I mentally toss my undies and hotel room key at the screen whenever she is on it.
33. What political issue stirred you the most?
The US Election, particularly when Hillary and Obama were facing off. I found the media’s treatment of Hillary to be abysmal and shockingly retrograde. Obama rocks, don’t get me wrong, but the vilification of Hillary showed us how far we have to go to have women regarded as fully qualified people with actual leadership qualities.
34. Who do you miss?
My mom.
Warren.
35. Who was the best new person you met?
This is an impossible question to answer as 2008 has brought a host of new, vibrant, amazing, breath-taking and beautiful people to my life. I am truly blessed. An embarassment of riches, one might say.
36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
This was the year of making peace with some of my control issues. Of letting go of a lot of them. Of learning to take big risks again and knowing, ahead of time, that I could live with any outcome. Of remembering that fulfilled expectations aren’t as important as the journey one takes towards them. Of taking it as it comes. Of “living the life” that is at once my own creation and a bundle of serendipitous coincidences and bolts from the blue.
