I guess I knew it was coming on Sunday.
I've hit that wall that I hit when I launch a new venture. The I-don't-know-what-I'm-doing-nobody-understands-my-value-I-can't-sell-myself-this-was-a-big- mistake wall.
Stopped eating. Stopped working out. Willing my way through the paralysis.
I will get through this as I usually do. One step at a time. But, for the record, it really really sucks.
An ex of mine's grandfather was a doctor. Or at least, that is how I remember it. When at a loss addressing some problem, my ex's mother was taught to "put it in the sun". Thus, this was also my ex's counsel. Some wound not healing? Put it in the sun. Stains not coming out of clothes? Put 'em in the sun. Ear ache? Put it in the sun. Can't get the lid off a jar? Put it in the sun …
I have often wondered about this, especially since we are in the era of UVA/UVB rays and associated melanomas. Being as we are in Canada, and sun is at a premium, this bit of advice also must have a seasonal aspect to it. Nonetheless, I think there is a subtextural wisdom here that I will get to momentarily.
It is funny what we remember from our exes. I know that there are little bits from every person I've been close to that travel with me, either literally or figuratively, and this bit is one of my favs from this particular ex. I happen to know that, from me, she carries with her the folk "wisdom", or myth, that if cows are lying down in the field, then it is going to rain. I don't think this is as useful as "put it in the sun".
I awoke this morning a bit out of sorts. It was non-specific, one of those moods in which one cannot say "because of x, I now feel y". But I felt vaguely disappointed and dissatisfied … things not moving fast enough, feeling like I haven't done enough, situations not unfolding with either the speed or outcomes that I'd hoped for, or planned for.
Following both my Sunday morning proclivities, and my ex's advice, I put it in the sun for a while. Made coffee, bought a newspaper, took my dog to our favourite park, and sat in the sun, sipping excellent java while poking through the paper. My dog snuffled through leaves, greeted her friends, and also sat blinking in the sun. Maybe she needed re-charging, too. The sun feels so good on the skin after a long winter. I felt 100% better after putting it (me) in the sun.
Here is what I think "put it in the sun" really means:
There isn't a magic pill, or a perfect solution, or an exact linear path that each person can follow to find their Nirvana. Life is about finding the unique process that leads to the outcomes you desire. Sure, sometimes there are windfalls and lucky breaks, but mostly there is continuous hard work or, one hopes, smart work. Lots of it. It is more important to do the right things repeatedly, to incorporate the most beneficial behaviours, to find a routine that works, than to look for instant gratification, or instant success, or that one magic "thing" that will make one's dreams come true. Sometimes you have to just do the right things and then measure one's progress in small steps. Look for small ways to improve. Keep one's eye on the long term. "Putting it in the sun" means giving it time and space to happen. Remember that patience and hard work wins out over instant gratification.
There are are many elements in my life that are pointing me towards this particular lesson right now. Weight loss, for example, isn't something that comes easily, but it is coming steadily over time. As I've noted before, it isn't linear and, in some cases, it isn't even logical. With attention and the right adaptations in behaviours, a few additions to the routine … it is happening. Similarly, a few runs at circuit training isn't going to give me that killer bod that I have in mind, but it will get me a little bit closer.
One of the most important "needs" that I was seeking to meet when I moved back to Toronto was to find a sense of community. A sense of belonging, being part of something. I felt pretty depressed, to be honest, for several years after the break-up that led me back here. Disappointed that this sense of belonging that I so very much wanted to have fulfilled was eluding me. Well, guess what? I have it now, sometimes in spades. It took so long to evolve, but it was a matter of joining the right groups, following my instincts, making the right friends, choosing the right "family". I made mistakes along the way, some of them quite dramatic. But now, I'm feeling like I've found "my people" within this chaotic urban environment. I think this sense of having landed really started to be present for me about two years ago. Meaning that it took five years to happen. Not overnight, by any means.
Put it in the sun. Leave it there a while.
By some measures, my business is growing every week. I'm trying to do this organically, to allow myself enough leeway to try things and find out what I enjoy, what energizes me, and what I can leave behind. This takes time and will not happen overnight. I'm doing the right things and getting good responses … I need to remember to put it in the sun, too. (Note to self: I've only been truly "self-employed" for 11-12 weeks. Get a grip. Put it in the sun. Leave it there a while.)
I'm taking a similar approach to dating / relationships. Stay open, stay busy, meet people. Have a good time. Don't push it. Put it in the sun. Leave it there a while.
Speaking of which, the sun has just broken through some clouds … looks like my dog and I need to get back out there in it.
Maybe you should, too. 🙂
for me to eat at my all-time favourite Indian restaurant, Trimurti, and not veer terribly radically off my diet. Which, for me, means entering the restaurant and not ordering anything deep-fried or resembling butter chicken in any way. My friend Angela is visiting from Ottawa for a few days and we ventured out late-ish. We had Tandoori Cauliflower which was dramatic, a whole head of cauliflower done in the tandoor, then served sizzling on a platter. Note to Self: ALWAYS take camera to restaurant. Also had Murgh Saag (Chicken / Spinach) and Lamb Dansak, rice, naan, riata. Awesome. First time I've been back since I started my new food plan. Basically, the carbs and sauces were no-nos for me, but I indulged. After all, I had just done my second circuit training workout.
I love the Gravitron machine. Very cool. I like how the fly machine makes my muscles feel, and the squats/lunges are vigorously challenging at the moment. The back extension is the thing I felt least able to do, but apparently am much more able to do than I thought. The worst for me, at the moment, are the leg raises. I can do 15 reps of everything but that. My abs are killing me. I play hockey this afternoon while Angela has lunch with her brother. That sound you hear on the ice will be my abs screaming.
Got an e-mail from M in Chicago that she is coming to stay on my couch in early May. Yay! My couch is getting quite booked this spring.
Work possibilities picking up … I'm in hurry up and wait mode on several things, which gives me time to work through more stuff on the BSP (Big Secret Project). Stay tuned …
This photo was taken of me dancing at a party last Saturday. Apparently, it shows off considerable weight loss. I don't see it as clearly as I see it in the pic I posted a few days ago of me and one of my hockey buds wrastling. In that pic, my face looks pretty skinny, to me.
I'm interested in learning more about people's opinions on stretching … good or bad or irrelevant? Before or after exercise? A lot or a little …?
I've started exercise programs before, but none as serious as the one I've just started this week. I play hockey 3-4 times a week and, if I remember, I do some very, well, weak-a$$ stretching on the ice before the game. More for show, honestly, than effect.
However, two days out from one circuit on the machines and my glutes are still grumbling. And I have to go back and do it again this afternoon!
I've talked to a number of experienced fitness people, and a friend of mine who is a physiotherapist and everyone has different ideas on stretching. The trainer I worked with on Tuesday said to do "dynamic stretching" before exercising (stretching with bounce) and to do "stretch/hold" after exercising and that, on the whole, the post-exercising stretching is more important.
However, much of what I'm reading and hearing suggests it doesn't matter either way. Stretching is irrelevant.
What works for you? Are there any good websites out there that talk about this aspect of fitness?
Tuesday was an interesting day. I should probably write this all down. Nothing truly extraordinary to it, but the day had an interesting rhythm. When I do my dysfunctional projection of "what people think of me", I imagine those who give it any thought at all think I sit in front of the computer all day, playing Scrabulous.
Context – Monday: The overwhelming theme of the day was that I was overly sensitive to, well, everything. It was one of those days where I took Absolutely Everything to heart, and if there was room to interpret anyone's actions, I chose the least positive interpretation. Let's just say that I have one or two of these days every month, fairly regularly, and leave the rest to your imagination.
On the upside, Monday almost always brings the promise of hockey. This particular Monday night game was the last of the season BB, meaning a presence at the pub was essential, so I went early. Summary: Our team was pretty short-handed. Hard skating … hard won victory … we only had two spare forwards, so I played about 35 minutes at centre. That'll get the ol' heart rate up … our defense rocked (they only had one spare player on D) and our goalie (rounding out her first session in the position) played extremely well. I decided to head back to the pub after this late game, so I didn't get home til after midnight.
Tuesday:
6:30: Woke up. Tired and a bit creaky. The cat I'm in charge of heard me stir and jumped on the bed, tickling me with his whiskers, staring at me with his big orange eyes. He has no sense of personal space so he gets right in my face with his. His parents come home tomorrow, thank goodness. As with most mornings, after jumping up, staring at me, nudging me and kneading me, he then sneezed on me. Specifically, on my face. A wet sloppy sneeze. He is one of these pushed-in-face cats and his face, in general, is kinda watery. Yuck.
Time to get up.
Computer time while coffee brewing. I skipped the hot water/lemon thing Tuesday for some reason. Made breakfast – pasta omelette with mushrooms and cottage cheese. Considered briefly going to Tuesday shinny then realized that my body needed some down time after last night's game before meeting with Ivan, the Personal Trainer, at 1:00 p.m.
Neatened up apartment in prep for Saint Mavis, my cleaner. She comes every two weeks to make sure I don't wallow in my own spew. Decided to take kitty back next door prior to Mavis' arrival. Decided NOT to bring kitty back over here after Mavis finished. The timing of this cleaning is particularly excellent as I'm having two rounds of visitors this week and I had trouble keeping up with kitty's fur, upchuck, litter distribution, and "let's knock things over" activities. Deities of choice, bless Mavis.
Finished second draft of some client work, sent for approval. Happily received payment for invoice directly to bank account. Paid bills and completed the requisite shell game to ensure money is where it needs to be to complete mid-month auto payments.
Cleaned out e-mail box, responding to many, archiving most. I'm an e-mail pack rat.
Mid-morning there was a crash/bang … Mavis had knocked over a crystal candle holder. My least favourite one, which I tried to reassure her of. She was unhappy with herself, I couldn't really have cared less about this particular item. First time she's ever broken anything, as far as I'm aware.
Worked on some business planning stuff. Made some calls. Left a belated birthday message for Amy @ her work. Realized that I have some new potential business leads that are pretty cool, one of which is quite motivating in terms of just generally getting my sh*t together regarding my Big Secret Project. Unlike Monday, which was quite dark, Tuesday sat on a foundation of excellent potential and possibilities.
Ate apple.
12:00ish: Left for gym. Did 25 minutes cardio on cross trainer before meeting up with Ivan just before 1:00 p.m. This is not the type of personal trainer situation in which I'll meet with him all the time. Basically, it is a service offered by the Y to set up a personalized training program. I have to self-motivate to follow it but I think I'll do ok since I'm pretty motivated at the moment.
Ivan was terrific. The last couple of times I've had someone at the Y set up a program for me, I felt the trainers were just going through the motions. I had one guy spend more time chatting and cruising than actually paying attention to me and my goals. Ivan was FOCUSSED and he has me doing almost entirely brand new stuff for me … circuit training.
10 minutes cardio (cross-trainer)
Gravitron (pulling up, then pushing down)
Fly (x2)
Cable Machine for two arm curl things
Squats with ball
Lunges
Back Extension
Abs (x2)
10 minutes cardio
repeat weight routine above
10 minutes light cardio
He has me doing stuff I've never dreamed I was capable of, like the back extension and the ab crunches. The ball/squatting thing looked hard but I actually managed 15 reps. I particularly liked the gravitron machine. My muscles felt challenged during and quite "awake" afterwards.
(Aside: I'm writing this on Wednesday a.m. and a few of my muscles, esp. glutes, are grumbling. I must get more disciplined about stretching.)
Ivan and I are going to meet up in early June to see how I'm doing. He'd like to see me 10-12 lbs down and having progressed to heavier weights. If I've met these objectives, then I guess we are going to change things up.
Spent a few minutes in the hot tub @ the Y afterwards. Maybe that is why I'm not sore today!
2:50: Home in time to carry on with some work I started in the a.m., or so I thought. Went to turn on the computer to let it do its warm-up thing while I made something to eat (Home-made burger pattie – no bun + salad). Took my lunch over to the computer to find it stuck and unresponsive at the very opening of its boot cycle. Uh oh. Disconnected the power supply (twice) to see if I could essentially shock it back into life. No luck. Uh oh. Called CG, world's most pleasant computer tech guy. He offered to swing by after work to take a look and perhaps take it away for repairs. UH OH – all my client stuff is on there, last back-up was Sunday, stuff is due this week. But, what choices do I have?
Fired up the laptop, scrambled to find the phone number for the person I was scheduled to meet at 5:00. Tracked him down around 4:00 and decided to have the meeting here at my now clean and neat apartment while CG tinkered on my computer.
CG calls and suggests I find the original Windows disk and try a rescue boot. Good idea. I'm to call him back when I've put my hands on the disk. Mad scramble through piles of disorganized CDs and file folders. Actually, it isn't that bad … but I recalled that I do not have an original Windows CD as XP was loaded at the store. I do have a Compaq recovery CD. Without calling CG back, I pop in the CD that is cheerfully labeled "Compaq recovery Oct. 05" and see what happens. The computer boots back into its pre-hibernated state, and then re-boots properly. It does a check disk and finds nothing wrong. It is back up! I call CG and report back. He wants me to do a scan disk, which I try to do but nothing much seems to happen.
I immediately set up and run a full back-up to my external drive.
Aside: Everyone who works at home and relies on their computer needs a CG. Happily, he was just here last week doing some maintenance work on my unit so he was up to date with everything. I ask him to come by about every six months to just take a look and fix whatever weirdness has arisen, as it does. It is worth the small amount of $ to have things stable and backed up, in my opinion.
Meantime, as all this is going on, I'm concerned about my 5:00, now 5:15 appt. It gets on to 6:00 ish and there is no one arriving. Phone rings, finally, at 6:15. He has had a bad afternoon, too, just generally running late and then having made it all the way to my building but forgetting the instructions to ring in so I could let him in the gate. And he didn't bring my phone number with him from his workplace, so he went all the way back to his office to find my number. We agree that he will send me his materials and that we'll re-schedule for sometime next week.
I had been looking forward to this. I've agreed to mentor a couple of U of T students as they launch their very interesting wireless enterprise. This has really excellent potential, but neither of them have any business experience or acumen of any kind. It is fun to help them, and on this particular day I was planning to help them prep for a presentation to one of Canada's major wireless providers.
6:30: Re-group. The mentoring session is off, my computer is back on, however I seem to have temporarily switched to the laptop, at least for the evening. I need to finish the current phase of the Big Secret Project, which isn't that big a deal. I just need to sit down and do it. I also have to make a pan of my "healthy" (i.e. diet-friendly) lasagna. I bought half the ingredients over the weekend and they will go off soon if I don't get on it. But I'm missing some of the ingredients so head out to the store to pick up cottage cheese, low fat mozzarella, and frozen spinach.
There is a hockey game on tonight, several actually. So the rest of my evening is spent bouncing between the kitchen (chopping, layering, shredding), tinkering away on the laptop, and yelling at the guys on the ice.
I'm not cheering for any of the Canadian teams currently competing. I like the SJ Sharks. I like their style and attitude. I like Ryan Clowe, the big Newf. However, I have a huge soft spot for Jarome Iginla and an even bigger one for Curtis Joseph (CUJO) who truly saved Calgary's bacon the other night, stepping in for Mr. Perfect, Mikka Kiprusoff. So, for me, this is the series to watch. Montreal is going to take their series, and the Sens are toast, pretty much.
Wednesday … finish off everything for my big client before my out of towners arrive …
Identity … a fluid, amoebic thing. Or maybe a "same old, same old" security blanket for some. Something to keep the boogeyman of change away. So far, 2008 seems to be the year of multiple identity shifts for me. For example, I'm apparently shifting away from being a person who opens my blog entries with complete "Queen's English" sentences to someone who does not.
I'm enjoying some of the identity shifts but it does make me feel like I'm on quicksand. I can't get much of a toe-hold in this state of re-definition. It ties me up emotionally. Apparently, I can't even blog properly when I'm in flux like this.
Of course, I've had the obvious struggles in the distant past around sexual identity and politics. Straight or lesbian? Or queer (whatever that means)? Out, or closeted? A little bit out, or a LOT out? Monogamous or poly? At the moment, I've settled into happily well-adjusted single lesbian who doesn't take every overture as something that needs to be responded to. I'm not resistant, I'm just pickier. Now I can clearly see when I'm choosing between "potential heart-wrenching dramafest" and "quietly harmonious single life", and I prefer the latter. I fear this also means I'm becoming "set in my ways", as my mother used to say. If "she" does come along, will I get cranky when she gets up earlier, or later than me, or if she likes her eggs done differently than I do, or if she is vegan when I am clearly not?
Now that I'm 44, I'm suddenly noticing the vastness of the generational gap between myself and those who are 15-20 years younger than me. They make me feel old, or definably older, and this is the first time I've been quite sensitive to it. There are dozens of times when I have no idea what they are talking about, or what the joke is. I can feel my face freezing into a
wide-eyed, glazed look that I've seen on the faces of those older than me when they have no idea what is going on, but don't want to be excluded. Although I gave up several years ago on being able to recognize the blond celebrity-singer-actress-flavour of the month, and I've completely lost my ability to be fully abreast of the latest musical trend, I usually mostly know what is going on. Except … sometimes … apparently … I really don't.
On the upside, I'm shifting from a largish-person to an almost regular-sized person. I've lost a total of 48 lbs and it is nice to see photos of me now, esp. when I can compare with a year ago. I have 42 more lbs to go and am adding lots of cardio to achieve the next phase. I'm meeting with a trainer at my gym on Tuesday to add some weight training to my routine. So, hockey three-four times a week plus cardio plus weights. Plus diet. Should do the trick.
The angry feminist in me has an issue with the fact that as I lose weight, I'm getting more – um – attention. I'm the same person, after all. Aren't lesbians supposed to be more "evolved" (HAH!) and generally avoid judging people by their exterior size and shape? Someone pointed out to me that as I've lost weight, I move differently, and I present to the world with more confidence and energy … that the attractiveness shift isn't entirely about the visual. I buy that. In any case, where my anger makes me particularly uncomfortable is in the realization that I am not especially attracted to large women myself. Given this, any self-righteousness I may have about finding myself to be more "in demand" rings a tad hollow.
Just an aside about this business of lesbians being more "open" with regard to the type of women they are attracted to … a quick trip to Womanline will dash all remnants of this belief. Women there are incredibly specific about who they want to have sex with date. Only femmes need apply … only butches need apply … only into cute sporty types … must not weigh more than me … must be fit … would prefer a woman who likes to go mountain biking three times a week … I like blondes with long hair … I'm into ultra skinny goth-types and Shanes … it can be jarring and depressing. Whatever happened to "Hey, let's meet up for coffee. If we click, we could have dinner …" ?
I seem to be morphing from a cumbersome, slow awkward hockey player who could, between bouts of collapse on the bench in search of the oxygen tank, occasionally show off some decent stick skills and display an impressive wrist shot to a faster skater who can often get to the puck in time to do good stuff with it. I still collapse on the bench and search for a hit of oxygen, however my recovery time is way faster. Hockey is way more fun this way, I reckon.
Finally, I'm struggling with my workplace identity. Self-employed consultant … business owner … hit'n'run help … leader-for-hire … productivity facilitator … marketing consultant … technology consultant … business planner/strategist … some days it all fits and some days none of it fits. I think it is going to take me the better part of the next few months to really settle in, or even to find a way of thinking about this shift. I'm trying not to push it and am praying for patience but, of all the shifts, this one gives me the greatest trouble. I have always identified closely with whatever I'm doing for a living. When my profession-du-jour has been a bad fit, then I've been profoundly uncomfortable and motivated to change. When I am having a hard time defining my career direction at the most basic level, then I feel like I'm walking around with a giant question mark tattooed on my forehead.
Unresolved, this is.
I make my way, gingerly.
Do stay tuned for more.