OK, so I'm not as tough as I talk … I'm totally smitten!!! My friend's 8 wk old puppy … I'm meeelllltttiing …

Puppy&toy

Puppy&me1

Puppy1

Puppy&me2

Puppy&me3

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I skipped my December 23, 2005 post from Retro #1. In it, I listed all the things I was grateful for at that moment. Here is an updated version with revised yet oddly similar content…

1. My continued good health: Still allowing me to enjoy all the rest of it.
2. My country: International news remains bleak and terrifying. I still count myself as being absurdly lucky to live in Canada. This is the finest place on earth to live, without exception, even with the snow.
3. My job: There have been some ups and downs this year, what with going on strike during the coldest month of the year, and one of our colleagues dying from injuries sustained on the picket line. Still, in truth, I have the best job in the world. Immediately around me, I also have the best colleagues in the world. Blessings on all your houses in 2007!
4. My apartment: I loved it when I saw the floor plans, I loved watching it being built, I hated moving in and finding nasty surprises, I loved it that most of the nasty surprises were resolved, I love the colours and the art and the kitchen and how the place glows when the sun rises and shines early morning light through the east windows. I love the tree outside my window. I love being able to walk easily to so many places and having access to not one but two subway stations. I love parking underground, especially in the winter. I'm not a big fan of the stairs, but they do fit into some New Year's Resolutions I've got brewing.
5. Music: … There was less of it this year, for me, than I would have liked. (Another New Year's Resolution!) But, as far as listening goes, it was a good year with Dixie Chicks, Sarah Harmer and a few other new discoveries to keep me engaged.
6. "New" Friends & "Old" Friends: 2006 was a wonderful year for feeling more solid with a community of good solid people who "get" me, and whom I also "get". Such interesting, grounded, creative people. The deliniation between "new" and "old" friends has gotten a bit blurry this year. I like that. 🙂
7. Texas:  Not so much the state as the person who was a big part of my life this year. With a single statement in June, you cracked some inner code of mine that needed cracking, for which I will always be grateful. I wish I had been able to return the favour. With warmth and affection, I wish for you comfort, peace and much love in 2007.
8. Two Fabulous House Leagues (Women's Hockey): What a diverse, funny, warm, outrageous group of women I've been blessed to find!  Incredible fun, twice a week … wow!
9. My computer: 2005 brought its share of horrific, and costly, computer disasters. 2006 has been calm and steady and reliable. Phew! I am especially grateful for Josh, world's greatest computer tech guy, who spent seven hours "helping me" set up an external back-up drive and an external firewall. 2005 Disasters = 2006 Disaster prevention! When I say "helping me", my part was standing back, watching and ordering pizza. A toast to Josh and the smoothly running, virus-free, fully backed-up home computer! Without this machine, I'd feel so disconnected from the world at large.
10. Curve:  Each year, the community changes at Curve, and this year was no exception. Now that I'm moderating, I have to stand back a bit more and observe rather than participate. That's ok with me. I learn so much from the experiences of others. A really valuable online resource for lesbian and bi-sexual women.
11. Susie Bright: Although I'm not sure how to fit her name into the song, Susie remains one of My Favourite Things. Specifically, Susie's online radio show, In Bed With Susie Bright is an absolute treasure, a goldmine of current information on sexual politics, sexuality, gender, relationship issues, and wherever else Susie's impressive mind wanders. The giggle alone is worth the subscription. I've been a subscriber for four or five years now and this is probably the best Internet value out there. Just search on "Susie Bright" when you get to the Audible site and you'll find it. She keeps me sane and laughing and reassured that I do not exist in a vacuum. Goddess bless Susie Bright!
12. Re-Connecting: I've re-connected this year with some people (specifically an ex, and my most long-time friend) who have been quite distant for a while. The distance was, in large part, created by me. I guess I needed the time and space to work some things out. The re-connecting feels really good and I'm so glad it has happened.
13. "All my troubles …": 2006 had more than its share of adversity. This does not make it a bad year. On the contrary, I'm gratified to feel so much more able to handle it all than I was even 12 months ago. Two close friends have independently observed that I'm much better at handling the slings and arrows that get tossed at my mortal coil than I once was. Something to do with remembering the source. Without these moments of adversity, some quite extreme, I wouldn't be as strong as I am. So … bring it on!

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A few weeks ago, I had to go find something in my old blog. It took some searching around, but I found it. In doing so, I had something similar to a flashback experience, scrolling quickly through my life since I started blogging. It seemed worthwhile, if irrationally self-absorbed, to look more closely at what has gone on since October 2005. It is, however, the end of a year and perhaps this is the kind of navel-gazing activity we permit ourselves at this time of reflection and taking stock. Some of us have blogs to help us remember what the hell happened … here are a few highlights from my first three months of blogging.

Apparently, I started blogging on Livejournal on October 4, 2005. I say "apparently" because I remember it happening rather randomly.

So I turned 42 last week. So far so good. All my bits seem to be working and my synapses seem to be firing still. I live in a country I love, have a roof over my head, food in my fridge (hell, I have a fridge!) and friends to call on when things get really rough. On my worst days, I remember these facts and it keeps me going. On my best days, I still feel grateful for these things.

A friend told me that my horoscope on my birthday last week said that I am about to leave a particularly difficult period of time (check) and enter a totally fabulous year where everything was finally going to start going my way. I'll let you know.

Something that feels like a constant theme in my life is a feeling of gratitude, of being blessed with an embarassment of riches – a safe and secure home, good friends, an abundance of food, heat, electricity, water. This seems to hold true over time, at least over the past year or so.

So, was the horoscope right? Was 2006 fabulous? Yes, yes it was. One of my favourite years ever. I feel whole and strong. Who could ask for anything more?

The post for October 27, 2005 was one of those meandering posts that finally decided it was about "milestones". I recounted a memory I had of being frustrated with the grassroots women's movement, specifically the committee work that I was sucked into. This frustration of almost 20 year ago led to a "milestone" moment-in-time that seems important even today.

… what was significant was my feeling of frustration and anger with the way women in that movement deliberately judged, obstructed and thwarted each other's personal success. The hurtful backbiting and gossip and judgemental remarks were so damaging and counterproductive. It meant – it still means – that women subjected to it fail to take risks, identify and break patriarchal patterns, and generally feel frozen for fear of being ostracized. As I rode in the car, fuming with rage, I remember thinking, "Each woman's successful life, however she defines it, means a step forward for all women. Therefore, I will live a successful life and damn the judgemental bastards who dare comment on it. The personal really is going to be political for this one." That moment, that split second of thought riding in a car 20 years ago – a big milestone for me. I have tried to stay true to that moment. I gave up most of my committee work after that and devoted myself to making *me* a better person – the kind of person with lots to give back, both interpersonally and societally. It does feel healthier, yet I still feel a rarity in my circles.

And … the beat goes on. La di da dee dee … la di da di dah … I remain slack-jawed at the lengths some women will go to tear down other women, with gossip and social ostracization as the key weapons of choice. The point seems to be to stop the non-conformists from moving forward with their lives. This seems very twisted and bizarre behaviour to me. Perhaps, since I seem to continually confront this lesson, I'm not getting the right "take-away". Maybe the lesson is to expect this, to prepare for it, rather than to be surprised by it each time it happens.

In any case, the commitment I made to myself that evening 20+ years ago holds solid.  I will not only survive, but thrive. Damn the torpedos. We all have our own personal definition of "successful" – mine includes whatever it takes for me to feel "self-actualized", that fancy Maslow term. It is only from this position that I have anything of worth to give back to the world. Women are not trained to do this, to "self-actualize". We are trained to put the fulfilment of others ahead of our own. I've re-trained myself on this – and this re-training is, in itself, ostracizing.  Unless you are one of the fine people in my life who "get" me. (see note above about gratitude 🙂 )

On October 29, 2005, I observed the following: Random fact: I always make more toast than I can eat. But I never make more coffee than I can drink. In 2006, I realized that I can, and in fact often do, make more coffee than I can drink. I plan to change this habit in 2007 – by making less coffee, not by drinking more of it. 🙂

In early November, I was trying to put the final touches on a concert fundraiser I was producing. One of my tasks was to pull biographical information from each of the performers … not always an easy task. I turned my mind to what my own bio information might say, and found myself dwelling on  …

… the theatre work I did in university with my friend, mentor and professor, Warren Hartman. After my mother, who died the same year Warren did, he was the second person in my life who made me feel I could do absolutely anything I set my mind to. He was the first adult who took me seriously as a creative person and that feeling was, still is, so precious to me. He listened and often integrated my input into whatever we were working on. I didn't realize it at the time, but, looking back, I am astounded that he asked me to be Assistant Director, Co-Author, and Musical Director on four separate productions in university, always working close by his side, absorbing all I could. These shows were in addition to my work in the theatre degree program. I would have been 19 at the start of all this, and a much wiser 21 at the end. After I graduated, he was always ready to chat about everything from the arts to sexual politics to local gossip … to hang out, go shopping, or – in fact – learn from me. (I tried to teach him how to use his new computer, with mixed results.) We stayed friends until his death, as a result of complications from AIDS, in 1998.

When I do something that stretches me, gets me out of my comfort zone, or just pushes some boundary or other, I always wonder "What would Warren say about this?" and usually the answer makes me smile or laugh. I like to imagine he and my mother, who never met while alive, sitting on the goddess' front porch, sipping umbrella drinks and cheering me on.

There will be more about Warren later – but in general I'm reminded of the influence teachers and mentors can have on younger people. Often, the younger person goes to great lengths to be "cool" about whether or not they are learning anything, and they don't show their appreciation well "in-the-moment". But they are learning, regardless of whether or not we older folks think we are teaching. We really are being watched. I need to be more mindful of this.

I wrote three posts on the pros / cons of being single and living alone. The first mused about whether there would still be room for Hugh Grant in my life if I had a live-in partner. The second revealed the uglier side of life alone.  The third was an compendium of afterthoughts, most of which make me sound slightly obsessive about privacy and boundaries. I really enjoyed the commentary these posts engendered.

Here is a post from mid-December on sex-positive feminism. I rather like the ending of this post … not very sexy, but still relevant.

I was also intrigued to find that a related term is "individualist" feminism, which is a term I've been seeking for ages and am thrilled to find it, finally. Back in one of my first posts on this blog, I spoke about a "milestone" that involved me deciding that my "personal is political" statement was going to be about my own personal success as a human being. That as an "individualist", I did not fit into the predominantly socialist model of feminism with all its focus on collectivism and such. I feel that each individual woman – actually, each individual person – on the planet has to take an active role in their own well-being first, and only then can they actively support the well-being of the rest of the planet and the people on it. The flaw, as I see it, in collectivism, is that it easily allows an individual to abdicate their own responsibility. Furthermore, it seems to require, inherently, that the entire collective share a similar philosophical topography. When someone strays or has a different or new idea, they are easily ostracized by the group-think mentality, effectively driven by insecurity and suspicion of anything out of the defined topography. I've been ostracized by more groups, both single gender and mixed gender, than I care to name simply because I don't always agree, don't always keep my mouth shut like a good girl, and I propose bold and "risky" initiatives that others feel threatened by. It is an odd, unfortunate truth that a woman who honours her individual vision while participating as part of a collective is usually interpreted as being "controlling" or "contrary" when, in fact, honouring an individual vision is a pre-requisite for any good leadership. And, to return full circle, we must be "leaders", each individual, before we can really give back in any meaningful way. Sadly in our current society, men can get away with and, in fact, are rewarded for, the very behaviours that women are punished for. I'm 42 and this is still going on. Truly, t'was ever thus.

The more we try to homogenize "groups", to paint them all with the same brush, the more that individualists in such groups resist that effort. Not all men are the same, not all women are the same, not all lesbians are the same, not all feminists are the same, not all Canadians are the same, not all Americans are the same … etc. etc. Another truth that I must be more mindful of.

I clearly wasn't feeling very Christmas-y last year. Humbug! I'm very grateful for feeling much more Christmas-y this year. 🙂

To wrap up this Retro edition, here is my annual, rather pragmatic, reminder that it is time to "change or test the batteries in your smoke detector!"

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This is one of my favourite videos from 2006 … hope you enjoy it!

Rumsfeld Gets Cute At The Podium (extended version)

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Venus’ Banquet Hall

Preparing for the event:
1. Work like a fiend to make WWAAAYY too much food.
2. Panic about not having enough food.
3. Panic about not having enough space.

11 People … Small Space

Just before the event:
4. Set the table.
5. Panic again about not having enough space or food.

Ham á la Betty

Tortiere – The Finished Product

During The Event:
6. Smile a lot!
7. Relax!
8. Have fun!

Smile for the Camera!

Food Queue

They Ate Up Rather Quickly …

… and no one seems to be moving!

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This was a really good day a few weeks back, before my seasonal double whammy of grading then Christmas madness took over!

Kitchener City Hall

On December 10,  I went with two friends to the Christkindl Market in Kitchener, Ontario. Prior to WWII, Kitchener was known as "New Berlin". Although this sounds odd now, it made about as much sense at the time as "New York" does now. In any case, this may give you a sense of the predominant ethnic culture in that part of the province. My two friends, Martina and Manuela, are both transplanted Germans so I had not one but two translators for this cultural experience. Bonus!

We arrived on a bright crisp sunny day and our noses were greeted with many enticements … sausages on grills, blacksmiths with their fires for their demonstrations, the "live" nativity scene with real animals, fresh baked and fried goodies and, of course, glühwein.  We made a beeline for the kartoffelpuffer. OK, I admit it – I just like saying and reading that word – isn't

Kartoffelpuffer

it great? Kartoffelpuffer = potato pancakes. They are savory and delicious, hot off the grill, with applesauce. Mmmm … our next stop was the glühwein booth. The scent of the heated red spicy wine was wafting over the entire event, of course. Although I'm not a red wine fan, I did enjoy the glühwein (pron. glue-wine). My European friends were amused by the LCBO regulations about having the area where alcoholic beverages are consumed partitioned off, which they think is preposterous. I feel similiarly disoriented when I go to Europe and people are wandering around everywhere and anywhere with beer and wine in their hands.

But I digress … we then wandered around the outdoor area for a while, viewing all the foods for sale. There were some lovely baked goods, some dried fish, and lots of donut-like things. The line-up (queue for the

Christkindl Market Bandstand

Europeans) for apple fritters was about a mile long, so we took a pass on that. What made the outdoor area particularly lovely was the skating rink which was being enthusiastically enjoyed by families with participants of all ages – from the very young to the rather advanced. This, with the live Christmas music provided by a selection of groups (choral and bands) made the outdoor section very lively indeed.

The market area was set-up in the foyer of City Hall and it was impressively huge, and very busy. I bought some gloves and a new Christmas ornament and the aforementioned root beer lip balm.

I guess we had gotten a pretty early start on the day so we were pretty much finished the entire market by about 3:00 p.m. My German friends

Yum!

don't have much of a sense of the land in SouthWestern Ontario, which is where I was raised. Of course, I find it very beautiful out there and just driving through it makes me feel all nostalgic. I offered to take them on a little "crop tour", as my dad would have called it – except, hm, no crops in December. 🙂

First we went north and found a beautiful, little-known covered bridge. The photos of the bridge itself didn't turn out so well, but I'm very happy with these two shots, one taken due east, looking down the Grand River, and the other taken right into the sunset.

We headed north, meandering a bit, but roughly heading for Elora which has a magnificent gorge that it is quite famous for. On the way, we came upon, of all things, a "look-out" spot that takes in a view of the Grand River and fields across a valley. Super-nostalgic moment for me as this looks so very much like the back acreage of the farm I grew up on. And, we still had time

Looking East

to fit the sunset into the photo.

We made it into Elora, but the light was really fading by then. Fading light is not a good way to take photos of a gorge. However, I did my best and some of the shots didn't turn out too badly.

I was thrilled to have the opportunity to demonstrate to my friends that there is more to Southwestern Ontario than the view from the 401. I hope I can get them out in the car for a weekend in the spring, when the fields are beginning to awaken. There is so much more to see.

This day made me dreadfully nostalgic for country living, the wide open spaces, fresh air and slower pace. The treasuring of community and of

Sunset Shot #1

moments in time like the Christkindl Market. I'm torn, really. I know I would feel too isolated living alone out in the country. But I do miss it so much, especially after a day trip like this. Coming back into the city, one can feel the tension just ratchet up. I remember visiting Toronto years before I lived here and feeling that tension and wondering how anyone could live here. Now I don't notice it so much day-to-day. It is just part of the atmosphere here.

Note to self: Buy more lottery tickets, win lottery, buy second home in country. Yeah, that's the ticket … 🙂

Valley View

Gorge #1

Gorge #2

Gorge #3

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My Fortune Cookie told me: On Sunday, a cellist will be tempted to assault you with a pear. Get a cookie from Miss Fortune

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I'm due at my friends' in a couple of hours where more Christmas festivities will begin. In preparation, I'm putting the final touches in a few appetizers … curry chicken roll-ups (always a hit – I leave out the butter and use 10" tortillas instead), devilled eggs, and brie/mango quesadillas.

I like to have the TV on while I'm cooking but it needs to be on something I don't have to stare at continually, obviously. Something like a movie I've seen before. I thought the documentary on John Lennon, Imagine, would be appropriate on Christmas morning, while I cook.

Lennon is one of those touchstones in my life, an iconic figure, giant yet so very human and fragile. Fascinating. Anyway, one of the first questions asked by an interviewer in this fabulous film is "Why are you doing this? Why are you filming, documenting your life like a diary?"

Which made me wonder … wouldn't John have LOVED blogging? In fact, he would have LOVED the Internet – a way for ordinary people to get their own message out. To reach out to other ordinary people to find their own extraordinary-ness.

A John Lennon blog … Imagine that … !

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