[Cross-Posted from Vox.]
I skipped my December 23, 2005
post from Retro #1. In it, I listed all the things I was grateful for
at that moment. Here is an updated version with revised yet oddly
similar content…
- My continued good health: Still allowing me to enjoy all the rest of it.
- My country:
International news remains bleak and terrifying. I still count myself as being absurdly lucky to live in
Canada. This is the finest place on earth to live, without exception,
even with the snow.
- My job:
There have been some ups and downs this year, what with going on strike
during the coldest month of the year, and one of our colleagues dying
from injuries sustained on the picket line. Still, in truth, I have the
best job in the world.
Immediately around me, I also have the best colleagues in the world.
Blessings on all your houses in 2007!
- My apartment:
I loved it when I saw the floor plans, I loved watching it being built,
I hated moving in and finding nasty surprises, I loved it that most of
the nasty surprises were resolved, I love the colours and the art and
the kitchen and how the place glows when the sun rises and shines early
morning light through the east windows. I love the tree outside my
window. I love being able to walk easily to so many places and having
access to not one but two subway stations. I love parking underground,
especially in the winter. I'm not a big fan of the stairs, but they do fit into some New Year's Resolutions I've got brewing.
- Music:
… There was less of it this year, for me, than I would have liked.
(Another New Year's Resolution!) But, as far as listening goes, it was
a good year with Dixie Chicks, Sarah Harmer and a few other new
discoveries to keep me engaged.
- "New" Friends & "Old" Friends:
2006 was a wonderful year for feeling more solid with a community of
good solid people who "get" me, and whom I also "get". Such
interesting, grounded, creative people. The deliniation between "new"
and "old" friends has gotten a bit blurry this year. I like that. 
- Texas:
Not so much the state as the person who was a big part of my life this
year. With a single statement in June, you cracked some inner code of
mine that needed cracking, for which I will always be grateful. I wish
I had been able to return the favour. With warmth and affection, I wish
for you comfort, peace and much love in 2007.
- Two Fabulous House Leagues (Women's Hockey): What a diverse, funny, warm, outrageous group of women I've been blessed to find! Incredible fun, twice a week … wow!
- My computer:
2005 brought its share of horrific, and costly, computer disasters.
2006 has been calm and steady and reliable. Phew! I am especially
grateful for Josh, world's greatest computer tech guy, who spent seven
hours "helping me" set up an external back-up drive and an external
firewall. 2005 Disasters = 2006 Disaster prevention! When I say
"helping me", my part was standing back, watching and ordering pizza. A
toast to Josh and the smoothly running, virus-free, fully backed-up
home computer! Without this machine, I'd feel so disconnected from the
world at large.
- Curve: Each year, the community
changes at Curve, and this year was no exception. Now that I'm
moderating, I have to stand back a bit more and observe rather than
participate. That's ok with me. I learn so much from the experiences of
others. A really valuable online resource for lesbian and bi-sexual
women.
- Susie Bright: Although I'm not sure how to fit her name into the song, Susie remains one of My Favourite Things. Specifically, Susie's online radio show, In Bed With Susie Bright
is an absolute treasure, a goldmine of current information on sexual
politics, sexuality, gender, relationship issues, and wherever else Susie's impressive mind
wanders. The giggle alone is worth the subscription. I've been a
subscriber for four or five years now and this is probably the best
Internet value out there. Just search on "Susie Bright" when you get to
the Audible site and you'll find it. She keeps me sane and laughing and
reassured that I do not exist in a vacuum. Goddess bless Susie Bright!
- Re-Connecting:
I've re-connected this year with some people (specifically an ex, and
my most long-time friend) who have been quite distant for a while. The
distance was, in large part, created by me. I guess I needed the time
and space to work some things out. The re-connecting feels really good
and I'm so glad it has happened.
- "All my troubles …": 2006 had more than its share of
adversity. This does not make it a bad year. On the contrary, I'm
gratified to feel so much more able to handle it all than I was even 12
months ago. Two close friends have independently observed that I'm much
better at handling the slings and arrows that get tossed at my mortal
coil than I once was. Something to do with remembering the source.
Without these moments of adversity, some quite extreme, I wouldn't be
as strong as I am. So … bring it on!
[Cross-posted from Vox.]
A few weeks ago, I had to go find something in my old blog. It took
some searching around, but I found it. In doing so, I had something
similar to a flashback experience, scrolling quickly through my life
since I started blogging. It seemed worthwhile, if irrationally
self-absorbed, to look more closely at what has gone on since October
2005. It is, however, the end of a year and perhaps this is the kind of
navel-gazing activity we permit ourselves at this time of reflection
and taking stock. Some of us have blogs to help us remember what the
hell happened … here are a few highlights from my first three months
of blogging.
Apparently, I started blogging on Livejournal on October 4, 2005. I say "apparently" because I remember it happening rather randomly.
So
I turned 42 last week. So far so good. All my bits seem to be working
and my synapses seem to be firing still. I live in a country I love,
have a roof over my head, food in my fridge (hell, I have a fridge!)
and friends to call on when things get really rough. On my worst days,
I remember these facts and it keeps me going. On my best days, I still
feel grateful for these things.
A friend told me that my
horoscope on my birthday last week said that I am about to leave a
particularly difficult period of time (check) and enter a totally
fabulous year where everything was finally going to start going my way.
I'll let you know.
Something that feels like a
constant theme in my life is a feeling of gratitude, of being blessed
with an embarassment of riches – a safe and secure home, good friends,
an abundance of food, heat, electricity, water. This seems to hold true
over time, at least over the past year or so.
So, was the
horoscope right? Was 2006 fabulous? Yes, yes it was. One of my
favourite years ever. I feel whole and strong. Who could ask for
anything more?
The post for October 27, 2005
was one of those meandering posts that finally decided it was about
"milestones". I recounted a memory I had of being frustrated with the
grassroots women's movement, specifically the committee work that I was
sucked into. This frustration of almost 20 year ago led to a
"milestone" moment-in-time that seems important even today.
…
what was significant was my feeling of frustration and anger with the
way women in that movement deliberately judged, obstructed and thwarted
each other's personal success. The hurtful backbiting and gossip and
judgemental remarks were so damaging and counterproductive. It meant -
it still means – that women subjected to it fail to take risks,
identify and break patriarchal patterns, and generally feel frozen for
fear of being ostracized. As I rode in the car, fuming with rage, I
remember thinking, "Each woman's successful life, however she defines
it, means a step forward for all women. Therefore, I will live a
successful life and damn the judgemental bastards who dare comment on
it. The personal really is going to be political for this one." That
moment, that split second of thought riding in a car 20 years ago – a
big milestone for me. I have tried to stay true to that moment. I gave
up most of my committee work after that and devoted myself to making
*me* a better person – the kind of person with lots to give back, both
interpersonally and societally. It does feel healthier, yet I still
feel a rarity in my circles.
And … the beat goes on. La di da dee dee … la di da di dah … I
remain slack-jawed at the lengths some women will go to tear down other
women, with gossip and social ostracization as the key weapons of
choice. The point seems to be to stop the non-conformists from moving
forward with their lives. This seems very twisted and bizarre behaviour
to me. Perhaps, since I seem to continually confront this lesson, I'm
not getting the right "take-away". Maybe the lesson is to expect this,
to prepare for it, rather than to be surprised by it each time it
happens.
In any case, the commitment I made to myself that
evening 20+ years ago holds solid. I will not only survive, but
thrive. Damn the torpedos. We all have our own personal definition of
"successful" – mine includes whatever it takes for me to feel "self-actualized",
that fancy Maslow term. It is only from this position that I have
anything of worth to give back to the world. Women are not trained to
do this, to "self-actualize". We are trained to put the fulfilment of
others ahead of our own. I've re-trained myself on this – and this
re-training is, in itself, ostracizing. Unless you are one of the fine
people in my life who "get" me. (see note above about gratitude )
On October 29, 2005, I observed the following: Random fact: I always make more toast than I can eat. But I never make more coffee than I can drink.
In 2006, I realized that I can, and in fact often do, make more coffee
than I can drink. I plan to change this habit in 2007 – by making less
coffee, not by drinking more of it.
In early November,
I was trying to put the final touches on a concert fundraiser I was
producing. One of my tasks was to pull biographical information from
each of the performers … not always an easy task. I turned my mind to
what my own bio information might say, and found myself dwelling on
…
… the theatre work I did in university
with my friend, mentor and professor, Warren Hartman. After my mother,
who died the same year Warren did, he was the second person in my life
who made me feel I could do absolutely anything I set my mind to. He
was the first adult who took me seriously as a creative person and that
feeling was, still is, so precious to me. He listened and often
integrated my input into whatever we were working on. I didn't realize
it at the time, but, looking back, I am astounded that he asked me to
be Assistant Director, Co-Author, and Musical Director on four separate
productions in university, always working close by his side, absorbing
all I could. These shows were in addition to my work in the theatre
degree program. I would have been 19 at the start of all this, and a
much wiser 21 at the end. After I graduated, he was always ready to
chat about everything from the arts to sexual politics to local gossip
… to hang out, go shopping, or – in fact – learn from me. (I tried to
teach him how to use his new computer, with mixed results.) We stayed
friends until his death, as a result of complications from AIDS, in
1998.
When I do something that stretches me, gets me out
of my comfort zone, or just pushes some boundary or other, I always
wonder "What would Warren say about this?" and usually the answer makes
me smile or laugh. I like to imagine he and my mother, who never met
while alive, sitting on the goddess' front porch, sipping umbrella
drinks and cheering me on.
There will be more about
Warren later – but in general I'm reminded of the influence teachers
and mentors can have on younger people. Often, the younger person goes
to great lengths to be "cool" about whether or not they are learning
anything, and they don't show their appreciation well "in-the-moment".
But they are learning, regardless of whether or not we older folks
think we are teaching. We really are being watched. I need to be more
mindful of this.
I wrote three posts on the pros / cons of being single and living alone. The first mused about whether there would still be room for Hugh Grant in my life if I had a live-in partner. The second revealed the uglier side of life alone. The third was
an compendium of afterthoughts, most of which make me sound slightly
obsessive about privacy and boundaries. I really enjoyed the commentary
these posts engendered.
Here is
a post from mid-December on sex-positive feminism. I rather like the
ending of this post … not very sexy, but still relevant.
I was also intrigued to find that a related term is "individualist"
feminism, which is a term I've been seeking for ages and am thrilled to
find it, finally. Back in one of my first posts on this blog, I spoke
about a "milestone" that involved me deciding that my "personal is
political" statement was going to be about my own personal success as a
human being. That as an "individualist", I did not fit into the
predominantly socialist model of feminism with all its focus on
collectivism and such. I feel that each individual woman – actually,
each individual person – on the planet has to take an active role in
their own well-being first, and only then can they actively support the
well-being of the rest of the planet and the people on it. The flaw, as
I see it, in collectivism, is that it easily allows an individual to
abdicate their own responsibility. Furthermore, it seems to require,
inherently, that the entire collective share a similar philosophical
topography. When someone strays or has a different or new idea, they
are easily ostracized by the group-think mentality, effectively driven
by insecurity and suspicion of anything out of the defined topography.
I've been ostracized by more groups, both single gender and mixed
gender, than I care to name simply because I don't always agree, don't
always keep my mouth shut like a good girl, and I propose bold and
"risky" initiatives that others feel threatened by. It is an odd,
unfortunate truth that a woman who honours her individual vision while
participating as part of a collective is usually interpreted as being
"controlling" or "contrary" when, in fact, honouring an individual
vision is a pre-requisite for any good leadership. And, to return full
circle, we must be "leaders", each individual, before we can really
give back in any meaningful way. Sadly in our current society, men can
get away with and, in fact, are rewarded for, the very behaviours that
women are punished for. I'm 42 and this is still going on. Truly, t'was
ever thus.
The
more we try to homogenize "groups", to paint them all with the same
brush, the more that individualists in such groups resist that effort.
Not all men are the same, not all women are the same, not all lesbians
are the same, not all feminists are the same, not all Canadians are the
same, not all Americans are the same … etc. etc. Another truth that I
must be more mindful of.
I clearly wasn't feeling very Christmas-y last year. Humbug! I'm very grateful for feeling much more Christmas-y this year.
To wrap up this Retro edition, here is my annual, rather pragmatic, reminder that it is time to "change or test the batteries in your smoke detector!"
[Cross-posted from the inner sanctum Vox, thus unlinkable.]
I guess this is why they call it a meme … mememememe … thanks (seriously) for the tag from both karen and emissions.
This
has been in the back of my mind, stewing/brewing, since karen got me
last week. It is tricky. Some people who read this know me very well in
person. Some know me a little bit in person. Some know me not at all in
person. I decided to make this "neighbourhood only" viewing for reasons
which may become clear.
1. I'm likely the only left-wing radical feminist capitalist entrepreneur you'll ever meet.
I have both the MBA and three years as a T.A. in a Women's Studies
department to prove it. I've run a business of some sort, on and off,
since I was 14 when I was hired to manage a neighbour's strawberry
patch. Hiring workers (friends), setting prices, tending the field.
Equal work, equal pay. Breaks, water and shade. DOWN WITH THE
PATRIARCHY! Here's my invoice … net 10 days, 2%.
I don't know
why people find this confusing. My particular brand of feminism is
about choice. Which is to say, women should have the same choices, same
options, as men. For example, I love it when one parent can make the
choice to stay home to look after kids. Better for kids, better for
families. It pisses me off that this choice seems predetermined in the
vast majority of cases. I know some great male primary parents and some
lousy female primary parents. It *should* be a real, actual,
honest-to-god choice the parenting partners make. Work inside the home
should have the same status as work outside the home.
In order
to make this work, we have to have jobs (provided by businesses, and/or
a tax base, also provided by businesses) to underpin it all.
My
particular brand of feminism also requires being able to see that we
live within a system that we can actually change – or that we can
actually change our perspective on. Read more about that here (click on excerpt).
When you understand this, when you can see the walls and beams and
structures around you, it is easier to move through the system without
letting it kill you. Which it will. It is doing a lovely job on the
planet so far.
2. If I won a lottery that meant I didn't have to work anymore, I'd go back to university and study music. Then I'd study music production @ Berklee in Boston. By then I would be old but I would die happy.
I identify primarily as a musician. I like to sing, but other people do
not seem so keen on this. My voice doesn't really suit the kinds of
things I like to sing.
I
won a province-wide guitar competition at age 13. And again at age 14.
That was the peek of my guitar-playing life, though. I played
sporadically as an adult, taking it up again semi-seriously about 7
years ago. I studied trumpet, euphonium and violin in high school,
along with two years of classical guitar. At this point, I enjoy
playing but I'm just not very good. I don't practice enough. But I'm at
peace with that – it is just fun now.
3. Oh lord, please don't let me be misunderstood. When I read this originally here, I threatened to recycle it. And here I am doing exactly that.
I'm not as mean as people think. I'm not even as opinionated as people
think. I am totally bewildered when I get the feedback that people are
afraid of me. Really. I just have a very direct style of speaking and
some people are intimidated by that. I guess it's because I'm a woman
and I'm supposed to act more subdued (or is that
submissive?). Sometimes I wish I could be more that way. It used to
bother me a lot, because the thing I hate the most (oh look I can mash
this up with a QOTD – I love mashups) is being misunderstood.
Yes. Yes.
I've
been told I'm intimidating and scary. I've also been told I'm warm and
easy to talk to. Maternal, I believe I was recently called by someone who shall remain nameless.
I have come to understand that the people perceiving me project a lot,
or interpret a lot, according to what they expect. People make
assumptions about what I'm going to say, do or feel or, worse, they
make assumptions about my motivations based on their experience of
their own motivations. I'm sure that is true for everyone and not
unique to me. It just surprises the heck out of me when I learn about
it after the fact.
4. Popcorn is its own food group, all by itself.
(Ending on a high note …)
5. I really really like my life right now.
I like living alone. I have paid lip service to this concept for the
five years since my "divorce" but sometime this spring it hit me – I
really like this. My own schedule, my own priorities, my own life.
Would I like more intimacy in my life? Of course. As long as she owns
her own house across town and has an aging dog that she needs to run
home to a lot.
[Cross-Posted From Vox.]
How could I have missed this person in my travels?
I've just been reading about Grace Murray Hopper,
the inventor of COBOL and an Commodore (Rear Admiral) in the U.S. Navy.
Others have done a better job at summarizing her life than I could,
especially since I just discovered her moments ago.
Not only did she invent the term "bugs", she is also responsible for one of my favourite quotes. It is often easier to beg forgiveness than to ask permission. I also like, and have used without attribution: A ship in port is safe, but that's not what ships are built for.
It
is exciting to come across a woman who was a high-achiever and a
"mother of invention", especially in the field of technology. The
military aspect just blows my mind. I think I know what to do with that
Indigo/Chapters gift certificate that I got for my birthday a few
months ago – a bio on this remarkable woman looks like great winter reading.
[Cross-posted from Vox.]
Sweet, clean ice.
First night out.
Crisp.
Blades.
Hollow blades … round blades
I-hear-you-coming blades.
Crisp.
First intake of breath
Tasty wood smoke and the full moon.
Second breath … someone wearing musk.
Served on plates of air, purging the mind.
Crisp.
Grins behind grills.
Winks under woolly hats.
Sweat soaking socks, chilling
Smiles, warming.
Crisp.
(These images brought to you by The Women of Winter.)
[Cross-posted from Vox]
… when I was in pig-tails …
Nah, no pigtails here.
But if she were still around, my Mama would tell me "do not post to
your blog after you've been drinking grappa". Of course, my Mama died
in 1998, when blogging was just a twinkle in someone's eye. So the
likelihood of her passing on this kind of wisdom seems rather remote.
My
mother died, suddenly and unexpectedly, in early June that year. She
had survived cancer (twice) and had just had surgery to repair some
nerve damage in her wrists and was recovered enough to start bowling
again. She wore white Reeboks, had just painted her bathroom
pepto-bismol pink, and drove a bright blue Neon that her grandchildren
referred to as "Grandma's sports car". She was proud of having mastered
playing cribbage and other card games on the computer. She was just about
to learn how to use the Internet, by which I mean that I was planning
to head home late June to give her a few lessons on how to connect
using dial-up, how to "surf the web" (a new term then), and how to send
and receive e-mail.
What I would give to have archived e-mail from my Mom.
She
was 74 when she died of an aortic aneurysm. Sometimes things happen so
very fast. The actual blow-by-blow drama of these seven days is worth
its own post … but that is not what is on my mind today.
Actually,
I've been thinking about posting about my mother for ages. I can't
imagine saying all I need to say about her in a single post. So this
may be the first of many.
The things my mother taught me could
fill a hockey arena. What fascinates me is the separation between the
lessons I've integrated into the very fabric of my being, and the ones
that I have to keep re-visiting.
The number one all-time chart-topper lesson my Mom taught me is resourcefulness.
Here is an example of how she did it: one evening I was craving a
grilled cheese sandwich in the worst way. I would have been about nine,
I think. I must have been having growing pains or something. There were
12 people in our house, which made the possibility of actually having
some cheese in the house to make a sandwich from a bit touch-and-go. We
lived on a farm, so, if we were low on cheese, it wasn't a matter of
running out to the store and fetching more. Tentatively, I went to the
fridge to check out the cheese situation. There was a sliver of cheddar
- the cheese equivalent of a dribble of milk left in the bottom of the
milk carton and the carton being placed back in the fridge in the hope
that no one would notice. To my nine-year-old mind, there wasn't nearly
enough cheese to even mention, let alone make a decent sandwich out of.
I believe I pitched a small fit at this point.
Mom to the
rescue. I remember she told me to hush my whining. She took two slices
of bread and patiently, carefully, slowly sliced the remaining cheese
into almost toothpick sized slivers. Easily enough cheese, once melted,
to fill the space between two slices of bread. I'll never forget the
magical transformation of this tiny hunk of cheese into exactly what I
had been craving. It was a loaves-and-fishes moment and I remember
feeling the nine-year-old version of humbled.
I've started two
businesses, rescued nearly defunct projects, and directed plays based
on this moment in time. For me, the message was "work with what you
have – don't waste time whining about what you don't have". More
pragmatic than "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade" … but in
the same ballpark … or arena. I hear myself saying things like "well,
we'll make it work somehow" or "what have we got to work with?" and I
realize I'm channelling my mother. And I'm ok with that. Sometimes I
get cocky and I think I can pull off a project with the equivalent of
kleenex, spit and bailing twine … usually it works out. Focusing more
on the people and their skills rather than the "things" one does or
does not have access to has distinct advantages. So does applying a
lesson from another great teacher, Captain Kirk, and his rule-changing
approach to the Kobayashi Moru. Always a winner, that one.
I
have so much now, in terms of "things". I feel very blessed, and yet,
if all my "things" went away tomorrow, I know I'd be ok. I'd start
again … by making grilled cheese with almost no cheese. I've done it
before, so many times.
Is grilled cheese becoming a theme in
this blog? Hm … sorry about that … … ok, I've had too much
grappa to really be coherent in discussing my mother's lessons …
there will be more to follow …